I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
