I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
