My cat gives me a boner
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
