After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize