it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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