I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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