I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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