Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
