you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
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it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
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according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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