Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
