I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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