Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
