It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
dude. I can hear the air.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
