Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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