well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
