I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
