When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
