I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
