Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
