Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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