Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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