I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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