Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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