In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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