uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
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