if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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