remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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