I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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