apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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