Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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