pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
