i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
