everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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