I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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