I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
