looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
