My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
