i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
