why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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