Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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