Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
