Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
