My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i think i just lost a toe
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
