He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life