I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
