I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
