Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
