for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
