I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
