Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
