Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
