My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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