is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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