Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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