I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I need water and some morals
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
