i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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