Don't you send me to vm
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
