I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
