My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
